Section: Army families
Q:
I've come across many books that tell military spouses how to "deal" w/deployments, but never really dig deep into the emotional & psychological patterns. Are there any books that *specifically* address those issues (written on a professional level)?
A:
We get a lot of questions from spouses who when they ask about "dealing" with deployments what they're really asking about is "dealing" with their spouses' reactions to deployments, i.e. combat stress. Obviously, there are emotions and patterns experienced by both sides. Here we'll review two books that we think will be helpful in navigating the adversity that is deployment. First off is Separated by Duty, United in Love by Shellie Vandervoorde who is not a professional, except if being a profession military spouse counts. However, she does a great job of talking about mind games, depression, resentment and anger, and other patterns to which you may be referring.
Separated by Duty, United in Love (reviewed):
Shellie Vandevoorde is an Army veteran, military spouse, and a mom. This book she wrote is basically an experienced woman’s guide through the deployment cycle with some testimonies and tips from other spouses she’s encountered along the way. The tone is one of a girl friend pointing out the hazards of long-distance relationships due to being married to the military. She talks about the different games people play prior to soldiers being deployed: the "I’d rather be angry than hurt" or "The Professional" (a been there, done that kind of attitude). She says it's good to cut yourself some slack, laugh at yourself, cry. And if you don't like the emotions you're feeling right now, wait 5 minutes; it'll change.
Further advice includes ideas on how to accentuate positive feelings by hanging around positive people and doing constructive, busy things. We thought it was well worth reading, and when we discuss it in our workshops to share some of the advice, spouses really resonate and are pleased to find out that what they feel and experience is largely normal.
The second book is a good one to read for you and your soldier. It is definitely more on the professional level you requested, by Bridget C. Cantrell, Ph. D. and Chuck Dean.
Down Range—to Iraq and Back (reviewed) The tandem writings of Cantrell and Dean ring true—spoken like people who know the effects of combat operational stress symptoms or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Cantrell is the daughter of a combat vet and a clinical psychologist. Dean is a combat vet, author of several books, and spiritual teacher. In Down Range, they work together to highlight and illustrate what stress can do, but also that what has been (mainly the downward spiral of previous combat vets) doesn’t have to be the way things continue. One can engage themselves in a self-help agenda to truly come back from Iraq, emotionally. This healing they refer to is called “post-traumatic growth.” The first chapters work toward normalizing the experiences of vets returning from combat. Soldiers share their experiences regarding their difficulties at home, work, and in their community at-large. They speak about bad dreams, their discomfort in large crowds, and the onset of hopelessness once they begin to internalize the feeling that family members and friends “will never understand.” Then there are checklists and informative chapters so that family members (and the soldier) can better understand that these feelings are real and a common occurrence in veterans affected by the stress of combat. Each symptom is talked about in terms of real examples and appropriate recovery steps. Two of those steps include seeking out others that have had a similar experience to talk with and taking one day at a time. This goes for the soldier and the supporting friends and family. It takes education and insight to find that middle ground for all parties involved. This book is a start, but recovery/support groups, and educational seminars should be considered as well. For further study, the associated workbook course, Turning Your Heart Toward Home is suggested. The road to “post-traumatic growth” is a hard one, but as so aptly put in the forward, “He who did well in war, earns the right to begin doing well in peace” (Robert Browning). Get a copy of this book to start this journey and gain the full benefit of the references, resources, and additional articles Cantrell and Dean provide. For the workbook course, see www.heartstowardhome.com.
Hope this helps!
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Section: Army families
Q:
How do you stay connected to your spouse over seas?
A:
Recent feedback at ArmyWifeTalkRadio showed that military spouses communicated with their soldiers who were away from home in a variety of ways.
| 1. | | E-Mail | 37% |
| 2. | | Instant Messaging | 30% |
| 3. | | MWR Calls | 7% |
| 4. | | Letters | 7% |
| 5. | | Personal Cell Phones | 17% |
| 6. | | "Texting" | 3% |
We always suggest that family members ask their soldier how they want to communicate. For instance, don't just assume that an email replaces a real, touch and feel letter. That letter and the time it took personifies your real dedication to keep the lines of communication open. Use letters to hit the highlights of the daily details. But also, use letters to dig deeper into the relationship between the two of you. You could explore goals for the future, parenting hopes and wishes, a dream vacation and more.
Unique, personalized care packages are worth their weight in gold too. In most places, the days where you had to include chapstick or baby wipes are over. Instead throw in a plush new washcloth and towel or shaving cream or lotion that they might not be able to get at their "local AAFES." Anything that says, "This reminds me of you" or "Think of me when..." is desirable.
Our last suggestion is to think "outside the box." Instead of an email, figure out how to send an e-greeting card or e-video. Get a third party involved by enlisting the help of care package charities at AmericaSupportsYou.mil. (This helps keep costs down). Or send a gift card or AAFES gift certificate so the soldier can choose their heart's desire or the real necessities as they see fit.
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Section: Army families
Q:
What children books do you recommend?
A:
A military child is a very important person! Don’t you wish there was a book or website that just explained it all to them or at least to us so we could tell them? As spouses, we tend to have an easier time expressing our feelings. Children are sometimes less vocal when it comes to the struggles of military lifestyle. Here are a few we have found helpful. - Daddy, You're My Hero! by Michelle Ferguson-Cohen
- The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman, Ross Campbel
- Night Catch by Brenda Ehrmantraut
- Deployment Journal for Kids by Rachel Robertson
- The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
- A Paper Hug by Stephanie Skolmoski
- The Hero in My Pocket by Marlene Lee
Many of these books authors and publishers have websites that include additional material in support of military children and their attempt to make the most of military life. There are many more books for military children. To see more check out http://www.fieldproblems.com/booklist.shtml.
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Section: Army families
Q:
What if your FRG is dead in the water?
A:
Having an established and active FRG is not always a piece of cake. The idea behind a successful FRG is to enable dependents to develop a more positive attitude toward themselves and their military lifestyle. A successful FRG should also help dependents gain a better understanding of why deployments are necessary and help them comprehend the Army’s mission to maintain readiness. Remember the FRG is made up of family members and volunteers so technically you are the FRG, and it is only as good as its weakest link. With that said, we have two recommendations. If you are in a position that you can “revive” it, here are some great resources to visit to get things back on track. · http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/familymatters/FSGhandbook.htm Army Commander’s Guide to FRG Operations · http://companycommand.army.mil/ev.php?ID=39464_-685&ID2=DO_TOPIC Danielle Hamilton’s article on “Starting an FRG from Scratch” (Login required) · http://www.armyfrg.org Army Virtual FRG Community or vFRG · http://frg.army.mil/ Family Readiness Group Leader Community Boards But, you might not be in a position that you can make any changes. If you need resources and information here are some ways/places you can empower yourself. These are just a few ideas to get you started. Once you get involved in one area you’ll see so many will open up. Find more resources at www.fieldproblems.com.
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Section: Army families
Q:
What spouse books do you recommend?
A:
Reading a book written for or by a military spouse makes you feel like you are a part of something bigger than yourself and that you have a network of people just like you. We have come across some great books in our journey. This is by no means a complete list, but it should give you plenty of hours worth of reading. - Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for YOU as You Move with the Military by Kathie Hightower & Holly Scherer ** in its second edition
- Separated by Duty, United in Love by Shellie Vandevoorde ** local to FSGA/HAAF area
- The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman ** military specific Web site http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/military/index.html
- I'm Already Home...Again - Keeping your family close while on assignment or deployment by Elaine Gray Dumler
- Chicken Soup for the Military Wife’s Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Charles Preston, and Cindy Pedersen
There are many more on the market, more than veteran military spouses could have even dreamed of just a decade ago. See more at http://www.fieldproblems.com/booklist.shtml.
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